INFINITY – by Robin Gorman Newman
I need to feel that life holds infinite potential.
Since becoming a mother, there are days when things feel so predictable, almost stagnant, that I find myself questioning my decision to become a parent. Being a stay at home mom who works from home in the suburbs was my choice, but it doesn’t come naturally. There’s a big world out there that doesn’t involve scheduling play dates, bath time, homework, kids parties, etc., and I crave it.
I adore Seth, my son, with all my heart. No one pushes my buttons like him, both in the utmost positive and utmost challenging way. I couldn’t imagine life without him, yet there was a time when he wasn’t part of my daily existence, and I was okay….more than okay. I didn’t know the difference. Before he was born, I lived a life that was fulfilling both personally and professionally.
When I was a single gal working in the city, I expected I would become a mom, some time after I met Mr. Right, but I wasn’t quite sure what that would look like. And, I certainly couldn’t envision even for a nanosecond how it would truly feel. I’m not sure that anyone really can, until they’re in it.
I’ve always been a Type-A achiever with an active to-do list, and when my husband and I married, I was working in public relations as a Vice President at a NYC firm. I enjoyed the fast paced atmosphere, stimulation and camaraderie of other creative, savvy folk. I thrived on deadlines, and relished the occasional business travel, special events and luncheons with clients and co-workers. My hard work was recognized and I took pride in learning and sharing with staffers and others. To this day, one of my former assistants who I befriended says I’m the best boss she ever had…that I taught her everything I know. That is immensely gratifying.
It was my choice to be home for my son, and to leave behind fulltime corporate America. I’ve always ben entrepreneurial by nature, and taking initiative is something I do well, so it’s not hard for me to come up with ideas for business ventures. But, since I’m not a loner by nature, being home sometimes wreaks havoc on my spirit. Yet, I have my steadfast priorities.
Nowadays, my top job is to teach my son, and it’s a far harder task than working fulltime. He’s a busy nine year old boy who asks countless questions I didn’t see coming. He has an imagination that puts mine to shame, and I admire his ability to think on his feet and out of the box. He keeps me on my toes, and I love him for all that and more. He also knocks me out some days, and since I endeavor to be the best mom, it’s easy to get caught up in that role and experience self-doubt about other things I aspire to do or achieve.
This is when I find I begin to question that life holds ongoing potential…for me…that is. I know in my heart that, other than raising my son, good things can and will still come, with effort and clarity on my part, even though I have my moments of uncertainty. I need to give myself permission, as an adult, to dream big…something that kids do all too well.
While working on my own ongoing self-discovery and pursuits, I never lose sight of Seth and what I most want to share with him. I endeavor to reach deep down within myself to impart to him all that life can offer. I want him to know that the sky’s the limit in terms of what he might pursue. I want him to know that he should go for his passions with gusto. I want him to know that the road isn’t always easy, but if you believe, you can achieve. I want him to know that failure isn’t the end of the road…it makes you stronger if you learn from it. I want him to love and be loved and do good in the world.
And, in my efforts to instill these beliefs in him, I work to reinforce them within myself. Some I do a better job of than others. But, when I’m 92 in a rocker (G-d willing), I want to look back on a life I lived without regret (at least as much as possible). And, I especially want to know that the future holds wonder and excitement for Seth, and that he will embrace it with the impish smile he had when he was born and is on his steadily maturing face still today.
Robin Gorman Newman is the founder of MOTHERHOOD LATER…THAN SOONER, a leading website, eZine, blog and community for those who became a mom at 35+, whether for the first time or again. Follow her on Twitter and Facebook. Robin is the author of How to Meet a Mensch in NY and How to Marry a Mensch (decent person), and has been seen on The Today Show, CNN, Good Day New York, etc. She is also Associate Producer of Motherhood Out Loud, a touring play featuring short works by noted authors and playwrights.
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